wink     ;)

tbrookerobbins:

When living with a chronic illness, sometime’s you:

find yourself constantly lying to everyone. When someone asks how you are, it’s always “I’m fine….” or “good”. Sometimes it’s the only thing you feel you can do because you’re sick of repeating the same things over and over, especially when majority of the time you get a lot of nothing out of that explanation. Simply because most people just don’t know what it’s like, or know what you have even is.

Someone asks how your pain is, over time, again, like I mentioned above you start automatically responding with pretty good or fine. Why is this? Because you honestly don’t know. You’ve gotten so use to having pain the first place that whenever you do experience it you don’t really know HOW BAD it actually is anymore. Most pain that we experience, that would otherwise normally send anyone else down to floor screaming has become somewhat tolerable in many senses with a few exceptions at times, of course. How sad is that though? To not be able to accurately tell someone how bad your pain is because you’ve gotten use to it. No one should ever have to get use to that kind of pain, ever. But we do it….every single day of our lives.

(Source: mylifewithlupus)

reilareila:

And it is almost like the minute I was diagnosed that my mental health depleted along with it.
I feel lonely, though the people on tumblr who suffer similarly do make my day better. But these are lonely diseases.
No one gets it.

Getting a slight joking punch from someone hurts hours later, and usually leaves a bruise behind.
Tight hugs that once made the world seem better just cause an ache and a pain.
Day after day of no sleep, I feel myself writhing in my own agony more and more. 

I don’t even have it that bad.
I have a few friends. Albeit not many and not close in proximity, but I have them.
I generally have a roof over my head.
Always food in my tummy, unless I am throwing it up, and usually something to drink.

I’m noticing that my short term memory is getting more and more lapsed. It hit like a brick, honestly, I never noticed any sort of “brain fog” before, but now I find myself in mid-sentence getting lost and confused. I used to be proud of my ability to remember intricate details, now I’m losing everything. 

Even when I was able to self diagnose myself, for the majority of things, I never felt so hopeless about it. It is almost like the second that the doctors told me I was right all along that my ability to strive for better went out the window.

I don’t have the strength to do it anymore. “I’m getting distorted while losing.” Life isn’t the same. I can’t feel the same. I can’t get out of my mind. I’m so miserable. I’m so sick. I’ll always have to sacrifice the things I love most just to feel less physical pain.

But what about the emotional pain of having to accept myself as a failure and the pain of alienating myself from the world around me?
But I have no other option. 

Why can’t I be a normal teenager? Why can’t I have a normal life ahead of me? 

.. but complaining won’t get me anywhere. Nor does anyone care. Jesus christ, I’m even sick of my fucking complaining. 

reilareila:

Time hardly exists in my life anymore.
Weeks feel like one extremely long day consisting of the same “I’m tired, I’m in pain, I’m exhausted, I can’t even get through the rest of the day.” 

It is the same old drug-dazed, insomnia driven day of pain.
The only days that actually exist on the calendar are the days circled and labeled “refill prescription.” 

I’m starting to second guess if I can even be considered alive anymore.

Can’t really move. Can’t really breathe. Not growing, or actually growing backwards by losing more body mass via the diseases damaging all of the living organs and tissues in my body. Nutrition mostly consists of pills and any food that will 1.) stay down and 2.) can be obtained by doing as little movement as possible.

On the very fine line between alive and dead.