Exactly Mr.Question mark. Exactly.
When you don’t even know you are rocking back and forth cause your body feels like it’s on fire and you wonder why you just had to go for that walk, cause now your legs feel like 2 weighted down pieces of cement. I will never understand why this disease has to exist. Why do so many people have to suffer in life, just so they have no choice but to be strong? Fuck this shit. I want my normal legs back. I want normal sleep back, whatever the hell that is. I want to scoop all this lupus crap out with the biggest spoon. I know praying can’t help everyone, but I pray that if I get sick or worse that I can’t handle it, cause I can barely handle this shit now.
And it is almost like the minute I was diagnosed that my mental health depleted along with it.
I feel lonely, though the people on tumblr who suffer similarly do make my day better. But these are lonely diseases.
No one gets it.Getting a slight joking punch from someone hurts hours later, and usually leaves a bruise behind.
Tight hugs that once made the world seem better just cause an ache and a pain.
Day after day of no sleep, I feel myself writhing in my own agony more and more.
I don’t even have it that bad.
I have a few friends. Albeit not many and not close in proximity, but I have them.
I generally have a roof over my head.
Always food in my tummy, unless I am throwing it up, and usually something to drink.
I’m noticing that my short term memory is getting more and more lapsed. It hit like a brick, honestly, I never noticed any sort of “brain fog” before, but now I find myself in mid-sentence getting lost and confused. I used to be proud of my ability to remember intricate details, now I’m losing everything.
Even when I was able to self diagnose myself, for the majority of things, I never felt so hopeless about it. It is almost like the second that the doctors told me I was right all along that my ability to strive for better went out the window.
I don’t have the strength to do it anymore. “I’m getting distorted while losing.” Life isn’t the same. I can’t feel the same. I can’t get out of my mind. I’m so miserable. I’m so sick. I’ll always have to sacrifice the things I love most just to feel less physical pain.But what about the emotional pain of having to accept myself as a failure and the pain of alienating myself from the world around me?
But I have no other option.Why can’t I be a normal teenager? Why can’t I have a normal life ahead of me?
.. but complaining won’t get me anywhere. Nor does anyone care. Jesus christ, I’m even sick of my fucking complaining.
Time hardly exists in my life anymore.
Weeks feel like one extremely long day consisting of the same “I’m tired, I’m in pain, I’m exhausted, I can’t even get through the rest of the day.”
It is the same old drug-dazed, insomnia driven day of pain.
The only days that actually exist on the calendar are the days circled and labeled “refill prescription.”
I’m starting to second guess if I can even be considered alive anymore.
Can’t really move. Can’t really breathe. Not growing, or actually growing backwards by losing more body mass via the diseases damaging all of the living organs and tissues in my body. Nutrition mostly consists of pills and any food that will 1.) stay down and 2.) can be obtained by doing as little movement as possible.
On the very fine line between alive and dead.
I’ve been betrayed in the worst way.
I no longer have control of my life.
It is slowly taking over me.
I don’t want to be known as the sick girl.
I try to avoid the pity stares by lowering my eyes.
I don’t want to be known as the faker.
I feel the stares.
“Which leg was she limping on…
