mostly okay: More new doctors
Packed up my MRI analyses, the discs, the blood/coagulation test reports, the lumbar puncture reports, the symptom printouts from the neuro, taking everything to go see an MS specialist today… and I can’t help feeling like I’m just starting over again. New doctors, more droning on about my symptoms, more people poring over my test results, and here’s me basically reverting back to the anger and denial stages of grief.
I thought I was over the grief stages, but it’s suddenly very difficult for me to think in the long-term. The amount of pain I’m still in, even with anti-spasticity and anti-seizure class medications, is literally ruining my enjoyment of life. I roll out of bed in the morning thinking “I hate my life”. I plod through the day thinking “I hate my life”. I go to bed at night thinking “I hate my life”. I don’t want to take immunomodulators. I don’t want more doctors to tell me I need to think about the big picture.
I want someone to fix the fucking constant, agonizing, distracting neuropathic pain, and until someone does that, I am literally incapable of thinking about “disease course” or “cumulative disability”.
I don’t even care about that shit right now. I’m too preoccupied with the immediacy of my current symptoms. I’ve become resistent and belligerent regarding people trying to help me.
I wish I was someone else.
I wish this hadn’t happened to me.
